Don't you just hate it when, after you go through the cursory keys to open your mail and you find WELCOME, WHATSYOURFACE, YOU HAVE 12 UNREAD MESSAGES, you find that you have one legitimate mail and eleven junkmails from enterprising web syndicates trying to sell you their merchandise?
(hinga.)
I am eating nestle crunch as I type so I'm not that pissed, really. Hello, are you still on earth?
The holidays are almost over and I am most proud to announce that I have thrown away the hatelist i have been lugging around for years. Which means I am free of the emotional torment those dingalings had over me. Pinasa-Dios ko na lang silang lahat. But not without the hope that someday something heavy will fall on their heads and leave them IQ-less.
What I want to get rid of now is the perpetual longing of going back to the past. I'm almost sucked dry na kasi. What with motherhood and all the shit that comes with it. You know that burned-out feeling when you just want to scream and scream until your lungs explode? That's how I feel every morning. And this writing stuff is my diversion. SO if you find yourself the constant receptacle of my anguish, i am just milking that old cliche "That's what friends are for", for all it's worth.
On my way to this internet cafe I was accosted by a familiar sight. A group of youngish blockheads who are quite obviously on their way to a beach outing. They had with them a cassette player and a bag of fish for grilling. It cast me onto memory lane against my will. It's like some evil force was projecting what I had given up, in 3D.
But don't get me wrong. I don't resent having married early. I love my daughter with all my heart. I am just PISSED at the limitations I have to subscribe to now. Why can't I have what I had then and still enjoy what I have now? Haaaah!
If there's something good that came out of this whole issue, it's the fact that I have been so blessedly busy to think about the fact that this is my first christmas without Dada. In fact, Christmas day came and went but there wasn't a moments respite for me to dwell on things and people gone by. Buti na lang.
Ay basta I can't wait to start working na ulit. I want more out of myself. I want me to get out and have a life. It's time to put myself first above everyone else. I found out the hard and painful way that I haven't been a very good mother and a very good wife because I forgot about me. I mean, how can you love someone else if you have nothing inside you to live on, much less to give?
My, that was insightful. Could it be the fact that I am munching on my 2nd nestle cruch that is making me so uh, wisdamus?
Thursday, 26 December 2002
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